Why am I the way I am ? Why do I get attached soo soon to people I should not even talk to. My heart was broken once but the pieces are still not placed together. I don’t miss him anymore. I don’t miss the memories but I miss myself. I miss the person I used to be before he came in my life and took away all energy, life and passion leaving me withered and torn, devoid of trust and heart full of sorrow. Will I ever be the same ? I don’t think so.I would be somebody else in the future but not the person I used to be. After all we all change.Some for good ,some for bad. I still can’t figure out my change ?DidI change for my good? Setting up my guards was a solution for everything but now I can’t let my Guards down. I push people away . Is there nobody willing to jump over this wall and come in. What if nobody will ever try? I will have to come out of my walls but how ? It’s not easy. This place between the walls that keeps me safe from the harsh world outside is my solace. How will I ever leave it and move ? What if I get hurt again? What if I come out of these walls and then somebody conquer my place. Where will I go then. That’s my sacred place where I drop my tears. Tears my constant companions, they take away the pain even if temporarily but they do. What if I don’t want to come out ? It’s my shell after all. But this shell is made up of insecurities and only a hammer of reassurance and love can break it. Who will bring that hammer ? Do I depend on somebody or should I go out and search for it myself? These questions are beyond my comprehension. So I should let them hanging for a while .
I fell for him when I wasn’t supposed to be!
Something really changed this year. I had a bad break up 4 years back and since then I didn’t let any guy enter my life. Recently, I downloaded kik on my phone. I met a guy named Stevenson. I just wanted to have some fun and then say bye and move on in life. But life takes unexpected turns. I talked to him for straight 6 hours and now I am afraid that I am falling for him. He lives soo far away from me that even flight takes 12 hours to cross the distance. Age is just a number. He is 7 years older but the most mature guy I have met in my life. I can’t keep my emotions under control. The thing is that I have started liking him but for him I am just a random girl he met online. I am confused and my heart is literally skipping beats. I have no idea what to do next. After soo many years I felt something for somebody who lives miles apart and I haven’t even seen him. I fell for his words. He is a true gentleman and I want him more than anything now. I feel this is how people come in your life, when you least expect them to enter in your sphere. I hope we stay in touch. I don’t want us to become strangers again.Just hoping 🙂
How did we drift apart ?
So ,this one is for my best friend. I won’t name you here, not because I am afraid that you’ll read this post. You won’t. I know you won’t. So just tell me one question. How did everything change? It wasn’t sudden. I saw it happening all along . I watched you drifting apart . But , I didn’t say anything because I knew you’d come back. You didn’t abandon me. You didn’t fight with me. You didn’t say a word. I guess it’s just priorities and it changed . I am no more your person. I am no more the person you used to call everyday to tell even about the tiniest inconsiderate things. You’d call me with big problems. I might not solve all of them but I was always there to listen and to support you. What happened when I needed you. You didn’t have to tell me you were down with some thought. I knew it by your expressions . Of course I can’t expect the same from you because we don’t meet now. Earlier we were enough for each other. We didn’t want anybody else to complete us. Now we think what we will do alone. Am I not enough for you now ? Am I not fun? Or maybe you have somebody who is better than me now. Yes, you have got a boy friend now but I thought I was your soul mate.He took my place and you let him take it. He didn’t even have to put up a fight to take my place . I am not upset that you have a place for him now but I am upset because that’s my place. I am alone now. You spend days with him. You spend all your time with him. You go with him to shopping, movies,lunch and even dinner. What about me ? Can’t we have a good enough coffee date at least ? I miss you . I tried talking to you about it but somehow I couldn’t say exactly what I meant because I thought you’d get it. It has never happened before. I never had to explain you how I felt because you already know everything. You are my childhood friend. You have watched me grow up. You know things that hurt me. You know how to read me. What’s happening now ?Was forever an illusion ? I still love you but I think I am losing here. I am drifting apart now. And you know what I don’t have anybody to call mine alone. I used to get mad when you gave others more attention. But now, I don’t get mad anymore. I feel sad now. I always want you to be happy and I will always love you. I will always be there to support you. But ,I don’t think I will ever be able to trust anybody again. Trusting anybody that they won’t leave. Because nothing stays for ever. Not even friends. Not even best friends. Forever is an illusion and promises are broken not bcecause of ill feelings but because of change in priorities.
Your best friend 💙
I am alone again
Just a Pretense!
On the outside, i am dressed
But inside, i am completely naked
On the outside, i look hard
But inside, i am soft and smooth
I can be easily scarred
On the outside, i wear a smile on my face
But inside, i am crying
On the outside, i pretend i have people
But inside, i feel alone
On the outside, i say things i don’t mean
But inside, i think things i could never speak
On the outside, i say i know what i am doing
But inside, i know i am lost, i have no clue of what i am doing
From the outside, everybody is nice to me
but from the inside, i am nobodys priority.
A Soul Alone !
She glanced outside the window
And saw water sliding down through pane
Soon she realised it was her tears falling like rain
All alone in her room she sits
And let her tears dry on her cheeks
Wishing she had someone to cry out to
Someone to listen to her plight and screams
She told god, “I think you didn’t send my angel to earth
Mothers are supposed to be your messengers, right?
Then what happens to mine?
My presence makes her mad
And calling me dirty names give her content
Why did she bring me to this world
If I was such a disappointment
Everyday is a battle where I hope to die
And yet unfortunately I survive.
How can I love somebody when I am all broken now
I don’t know how long will I be able to endure this pain
With nobody by my side to give me a shelter or helping hand.”
Not Just Wander,But Explore!
You are not one lonesome traveller
Look around, everybody is walking the same path  Â
Even when everyone has a different destination
Yet they don’t follow their heart
To gather courage to walk on their track.
Let your strength break the glass wall around you
To step forward in the direction that is yours
Why to fear if the road is new and alone
Start the journey and many more will follow.
And even if the route gets wrong
There is nothing to worry about
You can always go back and try some other
This time knowing for sure which road is not to be followed.
Depression starts at home!
Once again night was here
Peaceful Dark and all clear
It was three and world was asleep
Her mind was awake with something creep
She was crying and then got pale
Because her past was a horrific tale
Childhood memories were not beautiful
They were nothing but miserable
She was alone in a crowded place
She lost herself trying to win the race
A race which was not even hers to win
How could she hold up her head and chin
Her parents were alive but dead for her
Who couldn’t understand her deadly fear
They abandoned her when she was four
Left her in boarding till she couldn’t face more
She was beaten and cried all night
But had no one to hear her plight
She got broken and wanted to run
It was her wish to have some fun
Soon she gave up and accepted her life
Loss of hope she took out her knife
She cut her wrist but fate saved her
Blood oozing out of her skin soft as fur
She saw stars before her eyes
Hoping she will go to paradise
After a time she woke up at her house
She got confused and then she rouse
She Never called the place her home
Where She always felt stuck in storm
Her parents came filled with grief
Seeing her up they felt relief
Her mother said I am sorry dear
She pretended she didn’t hear
They asked for forgiveness and happy life
She with tears made them count their vice
It was a trauma through which she went
She ran away and lived in her own tent
Nights are no more simple for her
Because they remind her of the torture
Shattered again!
I see you coming through the door
I tried hard but failed to ignore
Our eyes met for a second
I thought of you as a legend
I didn’t want to be in love again
To prevent my tears falling like rain
You broke my fence You won your chance
Slowly it turned into a perfect romance
I was full of hope that you will stay
I Wish I knew I was just your prey
You played your game and used your trump
I stood there crying and then got dump
All my pieces were broken again
I don’t think I will ever regain
The faith and trust I put in you
The promises were still due
How could I not see you were so fake
now I have nothing left to give or take
I am in dilemma to respond or walk away
But I think there is nothing left to say
Just leave me alone and go to hell
I will try again to pretend I am well
Tame your demons!
The face that wears a fine smile
Is in constant fight with her soul
Taming the fiends yelling from within
You are not good enough to do anything
Listening to her demons her smile fades
Like the disappearing view in sandstorm
She feels stuck in the middle of an ocean
With no sole and a shore she can’t see
Struggling with the tides she got strong
That pushed her backwards and yet
With every stroke she won the duel
Pushing herself forward she created her own way
Who knew one day she would reach the island
And momentarily be free of all chains
A place where she can sing,dance and enjoy herself
With no one telling her ” you are just not good enough”
Mahabharata in the Metro!
            
Hey people. Today, i want to talk about something that is on my mind for a long time. It’s about religion and how under the name of religion people humiliate others. I hope this does not become a controversial post here.
Today i was in metro ( it’s like a small train for shorter durations ),getting late for college as usual, when the gates slided open and i saw a girl running towards the Metro, with a book in one hand and bag in other. She was wearing a red skirt and a white decent top. The book she had in her hand was mahabharata, not the original one but the adapted version. I was intrigued so i started talking to her and found out the she was a literature student and the book is part of her syllabus.
In 1st year literature students are made to read a lot of epics. She sat down and started reading it. Few minutes later, an old lady was frowning at her. We looked back at her and she said “Don’t you have morals, reading our religious mahabharata in Metro. Is this what your parents have taught you? You shamed be ashamed of yourself for wearing a skirt while reading it.” The girl was shocked more than embarrassed.The entire women compartment was glaring at her as if she committed a crime. The girl was just looking at the old lady unable to say anything. Her eyes and mouth were wide open and she didn’t even blink.
Honestly, i was shocked too. I don’t think the girl did anything wrong. To this she gathered up some courage and said ” I have a test today and i am just going through important points. More over this is just an adaptation of the real book written from different point of views.” She was soo embarrassed or maybe hurt that she got down at the very next stop. Even when she was gone, the old lady along with some other ladies started speaking ” How indecent the girl was, she had no manners.” I want to know what are your thought about this. Plus one more thing to add, Mahabharata is our epic, Indian epic, but not our religious book.
Ordinary girl with an urge to express herself 