My unanswered question!

Why am I the way I am ? Why do I get attached soo soon to people I should not even talk to. My heart was broken once but the pieces are still not placed together. I don’t miss him anymore. I don’t miss the memories but I miss myself. I miss the person I used to be before he came in my life and took away all energy, life and passion leaving me withered and torn, devoid of trust and heart full of sorrow. Will I ever be the same ? I don’t think so.I would be somebody else in the future but not the person I used to be. After all we all change.Some for good ,some for bad. I still can’t figure out my change ?DidI change for my good? Setting up my guards was a solution for everything but now I can’t let my Guards down. I push people away . Is there nobody willing to jump over this wall and come in. What if nobody will ever try? I will have to come out of my walls but how ? It’s not easy. This place between the walls that keeps me safe from the harsh world outside is my solace. How will I ever leave it and move ? What if I get hurt again? What if I come out of these walls and then somebody conquer my place. Where will I go then. That’s my sacred place where I drop my tears. Tears my constant companions, they take away the pain even if temporarily but they do. What if I don’t want to come out ? It’s my shell after all. But this shell is made up of insecurities and only a hammer of reassurance and love can break it. Who will bring that hammer ? Do I depend on somebody or should I go out and search for it myself? These questions are beyond my comprehension. So I should let them hanging for a while .

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I fell for him when I wasn’t supposed to be!

Something really changed this year. I had a bad break up 4 years back and since then I didn’t let any guy enter my life. Recently, I downloaded kik on my phone. I met a guy named Stevenson. I just wanted to have some fun and then say bye and move on in life. But life takes unexpected turns. I talked to him for straight 6 hours and now I am afraid that I am falling for him. He lives soo far away from me that even flight takes 12 hours to cross the distance. Age is just a number. He is 7 years older but the most mature guy I have met in my life. I can’t keep my emotions under control. The thing is that I have started liking him but for him I am just a random girl he met online. I am confused and my heart is literally skipping beats. I have no idea what to do next. After soo many years I felt something for somebody who lives miles apart and I haven’t even seen him. I fell for his words. He is a true gentleman and I want him more than anything now. I feel this is how people come in your life, when you least expect them to enter in your sphere. I hope we stay in touch. I don’t want us to become strangers again.Just hoping 🙂

How did we drift apart ?

So ,this one is for my best friend. I won’t name you here, not because I am afraid that you’ll read this post. You won’t. I know you won’t. So just tell me one question. How did everything change? It wasn’t sudden. I saw it happening all along . I watched you drifting apart . But , I didn’t say anything because I knew you’d come back. You didn’t abandon me. You didn’t fight with me. You didn’t say a word. I guess it’s just priorities and it changed . I am no more your person. I am no more the person you used to call everyday to tell even about the tiniest inconsiderate things. You’d call me with big problems. I might not solve all of them but I was always there to listen and to support you. What happened when I needed you. You didn’t have to tell me you were down with some thought. I knew it by your expressions . Of course  I can’t expect the same from you because we don’t meet now. Earlier we were enough for each other. We didn’t want anybody else to complete us. Now we think what we will do alone. Am I not enough for you now ? Am I not fun? Or maybe you have somebody who is better than me now. Yes, you have got a boy friend now but I thought I was your soul mate.He took my place and you let him take it. He didn’t even have to put up a fight to take my place . I am not upset that you have a place for him now but I am upset because that’s my place. I am alone now. You spend days with him. You spend all your time with him. You go with him to shopping, movies,lunch and even dinner. What about me ? Can’t we have a good enough coffee date at least ? I miss you . I tried talking to you about it but somehow I couldn’t say exactly what I meant because I thought you’d get it. It has never happened before. I never had to explain you how I felt because you already know everything. You are my childhood friend. You have watched me grow up. You know things that hurt me. You know how to read me. What’s happening now ?Was forever an illusion ? I still love you but I think I am losing here. I am drifting apart now. And you know what I don’t have anybody to call mine alone. I used to get mad when you gave others more attention. But now, I don’t get mad anymore. I feel sad now. I always want you to be happy and I will always love you. I will always be there to support you. But ,I don’t think I will ever be able to trust anybody again. Trusting anybody that they won’t leave. Because nothing stays for ever. Not even friends. Not even best friends. Forever is an illusion and promises are broken not bcecause of ill feelings but because of change in priorities.

Your best friend 💙

I am alone again 

Just a Pretense!

On the outside, i am dressed

But inside, i am completely naked

 On the outside, i look hard

But inside, i am soft and smooth

I can be easily scarred

On the outside, i wear a smile on my face

But inside, i am crying

On the outside, i pretend i have people

But inside, i feel alone

On the outside, i say things i don’t mean

But inside, i think things i could never speak

On the outside, i say i know what i am doing

But inside, i know i am lost, i have no clue of what i am doing

From the outside, everybody is nice to me

but from the inside, i am nobodys priority.

hannah

 

 

A Soul Alone !

She glanced outside the window

And saw water sliding down through pane 

Soon she realised it was her tears falling like rain

All alone in her room she sits 

And let her tears dry on her cheeks 

Wishing she had someone to cry out to

Someone to listen to her plight and screams

She told god, “I think you didn’t send my angel to earth

Mothers are supposed to be your messengers, right?

Then what happens to mine?

My presence makes her mad 

And calling me dirty names give her content

Why did she bring me to this world

If I was such a disappointment 

Everyday is a battle where I hope to die 

And yet unfortunately I survive.

How can I love somebody when I am all broken now 

I don’t know how long will I be able to endure this pain

With nobody by my side to give me a shelter or helping hand.”

Not Just Wander,But Explore!

 

door 2

 

You are not one lonesome traveller

Look around, everybody is walking the same path     

Even when everyone has a different destination

Yet they don’t follow their heart

 

To gather courage to walk on their track.

 

Let your strength break the glass wall around you

To step forward in the direction that is yours

Why to fear if the road is new and alone

Start the journey and many more will follow.

 

And even if the route gets wrong

There is nothing to worry about

You can always go back and try some other

This time knowing for sure which road is not to be followed.

 

 

Depression starts at home!

Once again night was here 

Peaceful Dark and all clear 

It was three and world was asleep 

Her mind was awake with something creep 

She was crying and then got pale 

Because her past was a horrific tale 

Childhood memories were not beautiful 

They were nothing but miserable 

She was alone in a crowded place 

She lost herself trying to win the race 

A race which was not even hers to win 

How could she hold up her head and chin

Her parents were alive but dead for her 

Who couldn’t understand her deadly fear 

They abandoned her when she was four 

Left her in boarding till she couldn’t face more 

She was beaten and cried all night 

But had no one to hear her plight 

She got broken and wanted to run 

It was her wish to have some fun

Soon she gave up and accepted her life 

Loss of hope she took out her knife 

She cut her wrist but fate saved her 

Blood oozing out of her skin soft as fur 

She saw stars before her eyes 

Hoping she will go to paradise 

After a time she woke up at her house

She got confused and then she rouse

She Never called the place her home 

Where She always felt stuck in storm 

Her parents came filled with grief 

Seeing her up they felt relief 

Her mother said I am sorry dear

She pretended she didn’t hear 

They asked for forgiveness and happy life 

She with tears made them count their vice 

It was a trauma through which she went

She ran away and lived in her own tent 

Nights are no more simple for her 

Because they remind her of the torture